I have never been very good at taking criticism. Ask my mom. Go ahead. I will wait.
I was always a weird sensitive child. I have mentioned before that on a scale of 1 to 10 my self esteem as a child and teenager was about a negative 5. Don’t know why. I had no reason to feel that way. I had a loving family–parents who set wonderful examples, who expected the best from me but did not push me to do things that I was uncomfortable doing. You have the picture. But I never was able to take criticism very well. Which made this article I just read in Real Simple magazine interesting.
The article is entitled “5 Ways to Get a Thicker Skin”. 5 individuals gave their ideas on how to deal with handling criticism and they range the gamut.
- Be (a little) egoistical. In a nutshell, Jenny Slate, an actress and comedian, says that maintaining an extra positive self image helps her to handle rejection and criticism.
- Remember it’s not you: it’s the situation. Bill Carollo, a big time NFL officiator, has first hand experience of being the target of criticism. His strategy was to allow the person a chance to back off and think about what they were saying.
- Practice selective listening. According to Andy Ricker, an award winning chef, has an unorthodox way of presentation at his restaurant. Many dishes are to be shared and often eaten with the hands. If he chose to listen to every complaint he would not stay true to how his cuisine is to be enjoyed.
- Get angry, not sad. Author Lisa Alther shares that as a new writer she had a really hard time getting published. 250 rejection letters made her more determined to become an author and be successful so that she could “show those people” what they missed out on. To date she has six novels published.
- Focus on something good about your criticizer. Elayne Savage, PhD knows a lot about body language. If the recipient of the criticism can focus on a positive thing (she suggest the fingernail polish they are wearing or a physical attribute) the next time there is an encounter she will remember that and respond, hopefully, with warmth.
So there you have it. I can’t leave this post without saying again that I am horrible when it comes to criticism. I still am. I get defensive. How silly is that??? At my last job (paid job, that is) I had a yearly evaluation and my eval was glowing. However there was one person involved in my assessment that felt that he had to find something other than glowing to bring me down to earth. There had been a little misunderstanding about a scheduling issue with one of the projects I was handling. Though I had documentation that I had prepared months ahead and gone to the right people to make sure that the space was available “he” was one that was affected. And he couldn’t let it go. I was of the mind that I was dealing with adults here and I did not need to follow up weekly on this as all of the information was very visible to all involved. But because “his” group was being asked to move he was not happy with me. So his comments on my form were “measure twice, cut once”. Whatever. See, I still have problems with criticism. So why do I put myself out there with this blog so people can pick at it??? Who knows? Maybe I am learning to have a tougher skin.
Let me know how YOU handle criticism. I would love to hear.
I am likely to remember a critical remark for a very long time, too. Thankfully I don’t have to do it very often. Good post. I read a lot of good stuff in Real Simple—-though I question their definition of “simplicity” quite a bit.
“Chuckle”—yep –I question their definition of simplicity also!!! Tho this latest issue had some great gift ideas I thought—if I had people to gift that could use them!
My MIL is very critical, and I can see the affect it has had on my spouse. It is very difficult to discuss many issues with my spouse, without him getting immediately defensive. He will tend to interpret any discussion/problem as “his fault.” It’s a shame a boy endured that, so that he grew up to be such a sensitive man; instead of a man confident in the strength of his convictions and abilities.
As for me, well, quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a …… Not because I don’t care about people, or what they might have to say, or that I have incredible thick skin, I have just learned a couple of things:
a) always consider the source; it may have everything to do with you, it may have everything to do with Them,
b) have a moment of honest self reflection. Does this person indeed have a valid point? Is this an area of your life that requires closer examination or imrovement — if so, adjust accordingly, if not:
c) take all things with a grain of salt.
Great advice!!!! I think you are way more mature than I am !!! I am going to try to take your techniques to heart!!! Thank you so much for sharing them. And it is too bad about the impact of your MIL ‘s criticism. From a mother’s point of view–that is just a shame!
It’s very simple…Ignore it…(but store it away in your ammo box)You know you’re right and therefore, they’re wrong..
LOL Thanks for the vote!!! I think this particular incident just got to me because I “knew” I had done my job right. I am a good planner and manager and this was just someone being nit picky. But then again—I did work in a church so I had A LOT of bosses!!!
Maybe that’s what is the most troubling, that it came through a job at church, a place we consider to be safe.
I get more defensive than I should. Growing up I was a pudgy kid with a last name that could be turned into Nerdman. Do the math. *lol* However, once I hit High School I decided that I didn’t care. I ended up being the first “big girl” to be on our pep squad. I got leads in plays. I was President of student groups. I decided I wouldn’t let me hold me back.
Yet, now and then the old feelings of not being good enough creep in. So when I encounter criticism I react sharply and in a not so pleasant way.
But I think you are perfect, Bernie. Just perfect!!! So happy to be your bloggy friend!!! Thanks for commenting! Makes me know that I am not alone in my defensiveness!!!
I don’t handle criticism very well myself though I’m learning. That’s what writing is doing for me (among other things). Still, it hurts sometimes and feels so personal. I think it’s just that we’re sensitive individuals and feel deeply (sounds good, right?). On the other side, I am horrible at giving criticism because I’m so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Sigh. Love the post, not one word of criticism from me on this one ♥
I am horrible at giving criticism also. I have a hard time being brutal and direct when I should be. I think that is one of my biggest flaws—-being too scared of saying the wrong thing and hurting someone’s feelings. Gonna work on that one. I always think that there must be a kind way of delivering criticism but I have yet to figure it out!! Thanks for the love!!! Back at ya!
First, I consider the source and if its from anonymous, I blow it off. If it’s constructive criticism, I try to learn from it and improve.
Criticism somehow will bring up my defense wall. It just my first reaction to it. Not sure why. But I guess now I take it well. I think my Tyra is a very sensitive child and always takes it personally. I’m trying to show her that it is not all bad and it should be taken positively. But how do you explain that to a 6 yrs old especially when you are trying to take it positively as well? Hmm…
You’re right. I think we do make ourselves a target by putting our thoughts out there on our blogs. But don’t forget about the community we build and the support we offer. I know I truly appreciate all the support I’ve gotten from you.
I don’t have a very thick skin either. I think the guidelines you wrote down are good to remember. I’ve never seen them before.
You’re never going to please all the people, even if you are perfect. In fact, being perfect in and of itself will turn some people against you.
Especially be kind to yourself and allow yourself to be human. We are imperfect creatures.
I value you.
Aw…you are so sweet!!! That comment made my night!!! You are so right in what you say that there is such a community out there for us bloggers. I honestly have only had a couple comments that I had to “censor” and they were just kind of snide remarks. No one has been mean, thank goodness, but then I don’t blog about too much controversial stuff!!! I value you, also!!!